Initiation

INITIATION

I am given

To the extent that I thought I was given

I find I am now given

A piechart of surrender with dark at the centre and a crust of conditioning

A crunchy, clunky, awkward stratam

I can’t cut it neatly

I have unpeeled another layer and am bought to my knees again

A subtle, more seductive burning

Of all that isn’t truth

---

My footsteps on the path land heavier

The drum in my heart beats stronger

I share more openly, touch more lovingly, stare more longingly

I am willing to be braver

I am becoming more alive

I fracked my personality’s skills and attributes half to death and now find myself

Completely inept

The limitless well of will and ability I drew from has run dry

My upturned palms show my sacrifices

I am becoming more alive

Loved and dear ones look to me to find the person they thought they knew

What is hidden in the depth of my gaze, the silence of my stare?

Have I lost myself or gone too far?

I find myself looking too

I am becoming more alive

I don’t run up mountains or swim across seas or cycle across countries anymore

I can’t optimise. I don’t want to acclimatise

I’m quiet and reflective - like I was as a child

I hide from the world I want to change

I don’t laugh at the things like I used to

And yes, I suppose you could say I am more withdrawn

I am becoming more alive

Sometimes I wonder what all this is for

When what was easeful is no more

When the train has left the station and the burning bush becomes a holiday camp

When I lie

I’m dog tired

Am I becoming more alive?

Wildfires rage and oceans surge

The human spirit suffocates along with the biosphere

Any corner can be cut with the right money or technology and fuck the consequences along with the vegans

When the last tree fall to a silent scream

Will we become more alive?

I have carved bravery onto my forearm in every incarnation

I breathe more life than my lungs have ever known

I listen to the ocean and hear her more than human

I have even stopped looking for a man

I am becoming more alive

Every moment, every minute is an initiation

Every breath, every whisper sounds a bell

The mountain top is the gutter

Surrender is the difference between heaven and hell

I am dropping breadcrumbs for those who might be hungry

Sharing my tears with those who are thirsty

I hold out my hands to those who are coming

I am silently grieving for those at the gate

This path is nothing if it is not loving

This path is nothing if I am not constantly failing

I fall apart at the seams and hold my palms upwards

To the people I love,

I love you,

Come with me

I am becoming more alive.

Enough time has passed that I can report I made it through the other side of this spiritual birth canal of initiation, growth and unpeeling. This writing has called to be shared wider. It's one of the most raw explosions that erupted from me in a time of a very dark night.

I can laugh now that as the tears poured down by face and onto the keyboard - these words bellowing from me and breaking my heart - my mum opens the bedroom door. I could hear her jangling the door knob thinking please god don't come in right now because I can't be seen in this mess, I've been attempting to hold it all together (badly) and I'm fraying rather intensely right now.

Obviously she walks in and - you're crying - now I'm crying - and it's all awkward and everyone is crying because it's scary to see someone you love in turmoil for something that doesn't make a lot of sense from the outside. Why put yourself through something like spiritual growth?

There's a longer answer to this for another time...

Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche said,“My advice to you is not to undertake the spiritual path. It is too difficult, too long, and is too demanding. I suggest you ask for your money back, and go home. This is not a picnic. It is really going to ask everything of you. So, it is best not to begin. However, if you do begin, it is best to finish.” I heard this via Jon Eden Khan and hope it's the right person quoted...

The short version is - if the spiritual path calls, it's very hard not to answer the phone. You can put it off for as long as possible and end up with some consequences biting you on the arse as a way of 'waking up' to your true nature the hard way. Or you can surrender and realise that your life is given to something greater than your personal self and roll your sleeves up and get on with the gritty and unglamorous work of unconditioning yourself so your soul can land all the way down to your little toes, your true nature can flourish and you can give less fucks about the things that never mattered anyway.

You can feel more alive.

The road might be rocky.

It will require Truth which is arousing for some and devastating for others.

Depending on who you are, your background, traumas, karmic agreements with whatever and whoever - maybe it will be less painful than what you're living now.

Once I realised that I no longer had a choice in the matter.... I am given to the spiritual path.... everything gained momentum and took off like a greyhound. (Personal will and agency is something different - I still have free will).

I also have a level of surrender. Which is there innately in the ferocity of my soul but also cultivated by the twists and turns of spiritual growth and unpeeling.

I am surrendered to a life dedicated to the service of soul and earth. A life less about cashing in to feel safe and do the things that we're expected to do to meet arbitrary signposts of what society says happiness is.

Instead I am surrendered to what is emerging, what is unfolding.

Given to the pulse of the freedom my soul yearned for and how I can best serve humanity.

I want to be of use in a world that is aching to wake up faster and more furiously than many are prepared for.

And all of that required some dramatic dark night poetry. I'm sure at the next valley point there will be another layer shed, more awkward - you're crying now I'm crying - moments.

But every time, I become more free.

And I am alive for that.

If you are in a similar process - I love you and you're not alone. Reach out if you want.

Olivia x